Yesterday was kind of fun, there was a group of us and we were in the . . . actually I can’t say where we were, because for now that is our place, a place for us to have fun with no trouble, where we don’t have to worry about someone coming in and putting a stop to our fun. So anyway, there we were, a few of us and D suggested a game of truth or dare. I still stand by what I said before, it is a stupid game but for some reason I find myself being dragged into it, and it was OK because we had ale. I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun without it ending in a fight. It was great.

I think I have made a decision, I think I am going to go with choice A, choice B never really should have been an option, but there it was and I had to choose. Now that I have finally made my choice about that, I have another decision to make. I have been talking to people about this and I have been getting mixed replies. I know what my heart is telling me about it, but is it a simple case of following my heart? What if my heart is wrong this time? No, I know it isn’t wrong but there are reasons why I am questioning it.

Why do people do stupid things? Or more to the point, why do I do stupid things? This is going to be another one of those things I can’t explain now. I know you would love to hear it, and I would love to tell you about it, but I'm holding a lot back these days, and this is one of them.

I talked to him again today, just briefly. He said some stuff that kind of made sense. I need to find a time where we can both get together and sit down and talk. I need to explain to him what I'm thinking, what I'm worried about and how I'm feeling, I have to be honest with him and stop trying to hide from the truth. I know he will be OK with it. I am pretending that everything is OK and it's not fair on him, I'm sure he will understand. He told me that one day I will be able to see through the clouds and I will see what he sees. I hope he's right because right now I don’t see what he sees, I still don’t understand why he wants me. I mean me, of all people, he can do better. He told me he believes in me, how can he believe in me, how can anyone? OK I need to snap out of this, I don’t believe in myself anymore, in fact, I don’t believe in much anymore. I am once again throwing myself into training and farming, I know it's not the answer, but it's the best one I have right now.

I have been asking myself the same question, over and over again, and I just can’t find the right answer. How can I even begin to explain what's going on in my head? I can’t explain it because I don’t want to admit to it. I know what I'm thinking; I know what I'm feeling, but I just don’t understand what I'm supposed to do. I can’t even write down what my choices are because things go bad when I write things down. I have two choices and I don’t know which the right one is, or which one I really want to go with.

I talked to a friend, I didn’t tell her what I was thinking she has enough of her own stuff to deal with, she doesn’t need my stuff as well. But she said some stuff that made me think.

I want things to go back to how they were, before all this started. How was I supposed to know all this trouble would happen just because I decided to stand up for myself? I guess this just goes to show that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, because the bullies will always win. And sometimes it's not bullies that you should be watching, but someone else. I had the information there; I should have used it, or at least remembered it. I guess at least I have proof now, but what do I do with it now? There's not really much I can do with it, I will just keep warning my friends about it and hope they don’t make the same mistake I made. I may not be able to defend them anymore, but I can still protect them as much as I can.

I feel like I have been running for a long time and I'm still in the same place as where I started. I'm tired of running, I'm tired of trying to fight a losing battle, I'm tired of trying so hard to get things right and getting them so wrong. I'm tired of the way people look at me, and I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not.

I've been back in Valorn for a few days now, I couldn’t stay on vacation forever, I had to come back sooner or later. Ethucan was beautiful and so peaceful; I think I am definitely changed. Anyone who knows me can see how much I've changed, I lost my spirit for a start, I need to try and find it before it's too late.

I haven’t really seen anyone since I've been back. I'm doing a pretty good job of getting lost, I have been running around the ant hill all day and I have no idea where I am. It's good to train again, I have missed it. I just wish I knew where I was.

It's been another weird day and I need to think seriously about what I'm doing. He still wants me, even after everything, he still believes in me. I don’t even believe in me anymore, but he does. I still don’t think I'm right for the job, but I have to do something to kick me out of the state I'm in. I just don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I need to think hard about it because I have enough to do with the guild and I don’t want to promise myself to something I can’t commit to. So what do I do? I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. People are avoiding me; I guess they just don’t know who I am either. I mean, if I don’t know, how can they know? I haven’t seen any of the people I want to talk to, I keep missing them. I need to talk to someone; I need to talk to one of the people I trust the most. No maybe I don’t, maybe I can work this out on my own like I always used to.

I feel a strange kind of peace around me. It kind of feels like it did when I was a child before I was aware of all the dangers and evil that is in the world.

I am not sure why I feel this calm peace. I'm not sure if it's simply through not caring anymore, or because of where I am. Yes I am still in Ethucan, I just can’t make myself leave here. It is so peaceful and quiet and I am used to the solitude now. I do not feel lonely because I am still in contact with those I care about, and G is still here with me. Thought she sleeps a lot of the time it is still good to have her here.

I have done a lot of thinking since I have been here and my next move will all depend on what happens next. Good or bad, I know what must be done.

Although I have given up caring what they do to me now, I am worried about a friend. It seems like she may be about to take my place and I prey to the gods that I am wrong. I care a lot about her and I don’t want to see anything happen to her. I have talked to her a few times about it, but she can be as stubborn as me when she wants to be. I know she’ll be OK, though I know she doesn’t tell me everything, she probably doesn’t want me to worry too much. She needs to understand that I only worry about the ones I love. I have had this conversation before with another great friend. She also has me worried, she doesn’t say much about what is going on, but I know she is going through something. I know she is also worried about G and me, although I have told her that she doesn’t need to worry about me anymore. Whatever is going to happen, will happen anyway, so why worry about it? I can’t make it happen, I can’t stop it from happening and I can’t change it. I just need to wait until it happens before I make my next move. I am almost pretty sure what it will be and I have already started preparing for it. I have told two friends of my plans. I know how G feels about it; I just hope that she understands. Things change all the time, some of it good, some of it bad, but change happens. And I know everything happens for a reason, and sometimes it is hard to see that reason at first, but one day it will all make sense.

So I sit on this beach and watch yet another beautiful sunset. I wish S was here to enjoy it with me, I do miss him, but I know he will be back one day.

Today has been fun, I spent most it relaxing on the beach, sending a few birds, relaxing some more. I saw the most beautiful sunset, and it was while I was watching this sunset that everything suddenly became clear.

I have discovered a few things. Someone told me a while ago about something that would have been important if it had been true. Well I know for a fact now that it is true, I just wished I had remembered it yesterday. But it doesn’t matter now, I can’t change what she said so I just learn and move on.

I also discovered the truth about truth, and that is . . . . Well . . . . I think I will keep that to myself.

I will be leaving Ethucan tomorrow; I can’t stay on vacation forever. I will be sad to leave this place, but I know I can always come back. It has been relaxing here, and so peaceful, but if I don’t leave tomorrow I will want to stay forever. So it will be back to training hard and farming as much as I can, and maybe take a ride or two on the cannon.

Things are going great, everything is wonderful, and life couldn’t be better; I am so happy right now.

I'm lying of course.

As I sit on the beach and write this I am struck by the beauty of the place. And although it is beautiful here, it is too quiet. G came with me so I wouldn’t be alone, but she fell asleep, so I wandered about a bit, relaxed on the beach a bit more, took another wander, sent a few birds and relaxed in the park. I wish I could enjoy being here, because I love this place normally, but it's just that right now, there's nothing to do but think. And I'm having stupid thoughts. And I think I know what I need to do, and I don’t think my friends are going to like it.

I am broken, there's nothing else I can say. I never thought it would happen but I have stopped caring. I don’t care if he hates me, I don’t care if he's spreading lies about me, I don’t care if people believe his lies and I don’t care what they think of me. I just don’t care anymore. I give up, he broke me. I am slightly curious as to who his next victim will be, hopefully it will be someone stronger than me, but I can’t say I really care that much.

So now what do I do? I have to stay here for a few days, because I promised her I would. But then what? I guess that's what I really need to think about. Right now I know what I want to do, but I won’t do it now, not while I'm feeling like this.

All I can do now is continue to force a smile on my face and tell everyone I'm fine. I know there are two people who won’t believe me, but if I refuse to talk there isn’t much they can do. One will give up really easy, the other, well, I don’t think she will give up, but how can I talk to her? How can I tell her what happened when I don’t even understand myself? How can I tell her what I'm really thinking when I don’t even want to admit it to myself? I can almost hear her now, telling me to talk and open up. It's not that I don’t want to talk to her, it's just that it doesn’t matter, I'm not important, and she should be worrying about other things.

And just in case anyone has any doubts, I have pirate ale and candyballs, what more do I need? Everything is fine.

I received a bird today from a good friend, asking me how I was. I told her I was fine. She didn’t believe me. She came looking for me and she found me, I think G told her where I was. She held me tight so I couldn’t get away. I tried to but she just held me tighter. She took me back to her guild hall and we talked. She wouldn’t listen to me when I said I was fine, she said she can see just by looking at me that I wasn't. And as much as I tried to hold on I couldn’t and had to let go and I finally broke down. Everything she said made sense. She got angry at one point, but not at me, just at what I was saying. I need to listen to her, I know she's right, but it's just so hard. She said I shouldn’t keep things inside the way I do and I told her that I lost my trust in everyone. She said that wasn't good. I will always trust her, but I just couldn’t go to her this time. She blamed herself for that and it wasn't her fault. It was me, it was because she has more important things to worry about and I didn’t want to be a burden to her.

She said I need to get away for a few days, and I said no, I can’t, I have responsibilities here now. But thinking about it now, I think she's right. She said I need to get away from all this mess, go somewhere quiet and just think. She's worried about what might happen if I don’t. So I think I should get away for a few days, but I need to talk to her before I go. She will wake soon and then I will be gone for a few days. She is right, I need to get away and just not think about any of this.

So while he is continuing to spread his hate campaign against me, I will be relaxing somewhere not caring. I just hope one day it will all come back and smack him in the face. What he is doing to me is out of order and there is no reason for it. He and his officers are bullies, and one day they will do this to the wrong person and they will get what they deserve. I just hope it happens soon before they make another innocent person suffer.

I thought that the people who knew me would know the truth. It turns out I was wrong. I talked to an old friend, I have known him since I came to these lands and I thought he knew me well. But he believed all the lies that are going around about me. Someone is dragging my name through the mud and making up nasty lies about me, and I always thought I could rely on my friends to stand by me. Well it turns out that they actually believe what is being said. So who do I have left to trust? I talked to another friend, he is very wise, and I asked him if he heard a nasty rumor about me, would he believe it. I already knew what the answer would be. I believe he is one of the only true friends I have here.

What am I meant to do? I feel like he has started a hate campaign against me, and the people who I used to call friends, are believing his lies.

I don’t know who to trust anymore.

So I'm not going to trust anyone.

From now on, the only person I can rely on, is me.

*there are splashes of water on the page*

Do you ever feel like you drive people away? I do. I get scared when people get too close to me, because whenever I get close to someone, they end up walking away, or something else happens. So when someone tries to get close to me, I get scared and I end up driving them crazy, or pushing them away. And sometimes there really isn’t a problem with them, but I read them wrong and I get worried that they're about to walk away. And that's what's happening now, I have this feeling inside that I can’t explain, it feels like something is wrong, even though the person I'm talking about, says there isn’t. So I have shut down, like I have done so many times before, I have closed in on myself. I know I drive people crazy, and I try really hard not to, but it's just my way, and now I made someone walk away, someone who said they never would.

There is so much I need to learn, so much I need to figure out, and it's now time to take a step back and try to work things out on my own. Even though I don’t feel that strong, I have to try. So for now I will force myself to smile, and tell the world I'm fine, and I know I will get through this. I will get through this because I have to. It's time for me to face facts, it is just me.

I am starting this journey again, and this time I will get it right. This time I will try to be stronger, or at least pretend to be. And I will stay quiet about what's really going on even to those closest to me. This is something I must do alone; I cannot let them worry anymore.

I am a horrible person, what am I doing to him? Here is a sweet guy who is crazy about me, it is obvious how he feels about me, but I know in my heart that I am wrong for him. He can do so much better because I will just end up hurting him, and that's the last thing I want to do. I was going to tell him, but I backed out at the last second. How can I do it to him? How can I hurt him? The truth is I can’t, he is a really sweet, special person and I can’t be the one responsible for breaking his heart. A good friend told me not to rush things, why didn’t I listen to her?

On another note, I was getting hit on by another Rogue; he's been trying to hit on me for a while. It's like they're drawn to me, I know I'm half Rogue, maybe that's why I'm attracting them. Anyway we were chatting and I was letting him hit on me. But we had a chat and neither one of us wants anything serious, just friends who we can have a laugh with. The truth is, I don’t want anything serious, I have given up on guys. I just had my heart broken and I can’t go through that again. I think it will be a long time before I'm ready to trust another guy with my heart.

I am getting more and more worried about my sister. I spent a long time talking to her and I know she's not good. She is hurting too much and I cry when I see the hurt in her eyes. She doesn’t deserve this and I would do anything to be able to take her pain away. I am trying so hard to get through to her, and I can’t give up, ever. She is my sister and I love her, she means the world to me, but I hate seeing her like this. I don’t know what to do, I know she needs time to heal, but I can’t get her to listen. I know how much she is hurting because I have been there, but I came through it and I know she will too, but she doesn’t believe she will. All I can do is keep being there for her, keep loving her and giving her a shoulder to cry on, and trying to hug her pain away. One day she will be better and she will be able to move on from what happened.

Well I spent the day thinking. I thought a lot, I cried a lot and in the end none of the people I needed to talk to woke up. So I was left alone, I'm used to it but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Anyway, my little brother got bonded and they wanted me there, how could I not go, even though I should have stayed away. But he's my brother so I had to be there for him on his big day. Anyway I met someone there who I have met a few times before and she had always been really nice and I suddenly realised what she had said to me before.

After the bonding I went for a few cannon rides and then answered a few birds and by the time I finally caught up with her I was ready to break. But I didn’t break; there are still only two people who I will let see me cry. So I managed to hold on and tell her what had been going on. I had been trying to deal with this for so long on my own; you have no idea how good it felt to finally tell someone. I had been holding onto it for so long and the person I wanted to talk to wasn't awake and I couldn’t hold onto it any longer. I was so scared to talk about it but I somehow managed to get through it.

So after we talked we decided to go to the inn with my little brother and I have to say, by the end of the night I was crying, but crying with laughter. K is an idiot sometimes but I love him so much, because if he wasn't an idiot he wouldn’t make me laugh so much. You could say a lot about K, but you could never say he isn’t entertaining.

So now I face the world a lot stronger than I was yesterday, I am ready to stand and fight for what I believe in. It doesn’t matter if he hates me, it doesn’t matter if he wants to spread his lies about me, because the people who know me, will know the truth and will know that he is lying. I can’t believe that he would make up something like that. Is it because he's jealous or, like I was told tonight, he is just a bully and likes to intimidate people. I don’t care what his problem is anymore, he can hate me all he wants he's only doing it because he's insecure about his own life, and he's trying to ruin mine because of it. So I am going to sit back and laugh at everything he does because he's just wasting his time and energy and in the end people will see him for what he is.

On another note, I'm confused. After everything that was said between us, he has now just confused me even more. I am trying to hold back, because I know he will just break my heart again and I'm not going to let him. He is funny though and he does make me smile, but I have to be careful now, I'm still fragile and close to the edge, one little push and I will be over.

I'm worried about my sister. I can’t believe she still blames herself for everything that happened. I don’t know what to say to get through to her; she just won’t listen to me. I've seen the state she's in and it's not good. I have to stay strong now for her, I have to keep fighting for her, I have to do whatever it takes to see her happy again. And I will make her happy or I will die trying. I'm not going to give up on her, she needs me and I really do need her.

Well after what I was talking about yesterday, I have changed my mind, and I'm going to say no. It's pretty obvious what people think of me here, so why do I bother staying? He was bad mouthing me all over the place and when I called him on it he said that I lack intelligence. I lack intelligence? He was the one sending birds, bad mouthing me and was stupid enough to send one to me, now how much intelligence does it take to do that? How dare he say bad stuff about me behind my back? He obviously has a problem with me; I just wish I knew what it was. I have never done anything to him, so why does he hate me? Why does he feel the need to bad mouth me? If he has a problem with me he should talk to me about it, not send messages to half the land.

I need to talk to my officers.

Or my sister.

Or anyone really.

I can’t even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. So I'm not going to bother. I never even felt like this when I left SR.

I took the advice of a good friend and I followed my heart. It wasn't bad advice, I think I knew deep down that I needed to do it but I just needed to hear someone say it. so I talked to him, I told him how I feel. He was nice about it but he still broke my heart, and I may have just ruined the really good friendship I had with him. I knew it would happen if I said anything to him, but I needed to know. And yes I was upset, but something happened after which made me forget my broken heart.

For a few days now, someone has been trying to talk with me, but we kept missing each other, and we finally managed to get together last night. I will admit that I was a bit worried and not to mention scared, when the conversation started. She told me that I have been being watched, I was scared about who was watching me, but she soon explained. What she told me left me slightly confused, because I don’t fully understand why they would want me. I'm nothing special, I'm just me. I get into arguments, I hardly ever train, I teach noobs bad tricks and I ride the cannon waaaaay too much. So why would they want me? I mean, I know this is a great opportunity, but am I really the right person to do this. I thought about it and for a second I thought that maybe I wasn't good enough to be who they want me to be, but then I realised they wouldn’t have come to me if they didn’t think I was good enough. So I said yes, and now all I have to do is wait, wait until it's time. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not very good at waiting, I get too impatient. But this time I can wait, because I think I still have too much to learn, and I can’t rush into this. The time will come when it's right and not before.

I feel really bad about a friend. I feel like I let her down badly and I don’t know how to make it up to her. She was in love and she stopped seeing him because of me, because she knows I think he isn’t right for her. I didn’t want to hurt her, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do, but she deserves so much better. I told her she should do what makes her happy and not worry about anyone else. I feel so guilty because I know I caused her to be this hurt, how could I do that to a friend? She trusts me; I should have just kept my big mouth shut about what I think of him. She said it wasn't just me, none of her other friends like him either. But I know I did this, I know she's hurting because of me and I need to find a way to make it up to her.

Confusion isn’t the word. I don’t know what to do. If I make the wrong decision here some people are going to get hurt, no either way, someone will get hurt and I don’t want to do that to anyone. I am so frustrated that I could scream. I really don’t know what to do. I need to talk to someone and there is only two people who I trust enough to actually open up to. I guess I’ll just have to wait until one of them wakes.

I finally caught up with my sister. And all I can say is, how? How dare he treat her the way he treated her? How could he treat her that way? Why did he do it? She didn’t deserve that. I could understand him doing it to me because he said I hurt him, but she didn’t hurt him in any way. All she wanted was someone to listen to her, she tried to talk to him, that's what he's there for, but he just ignored her. By the time I got to her she was in a state, that I never want to see her in again. How dare he do that to her? He made her believe that she wasn't wanted here, that she should just leave. He made her feel worthless. I took all the energy I had left and I used it to talk to her. I told her that I would be here for her, no matter what, and I will always love her, no matter what, and she will always have a home where I am.

He made me so angry, I want to go and have it out with him, find out what his problem is, but I am too mad at him to do it right now. If I tried to talk to him when I'm like this I might say something I would regret. What gives him the right to make my sister feel that way?

I couldn’t make her listen. None of this was her fault, but he's made her believe it was. And I know exactly how she feels, because I was feeling it too, not so long ago. I told her that she needs time and space to sort her head out and I will be there for her when she's ready to talk. All I can do is wait and hope and pray that she comes back soon. I hate seeing her like this, I feel so helpless. All I want to do is take all her hurt and pain away and let her be happy. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I am crying for her, I am so angry and frustrated at this, all I can do is cry angry tears. He can’t hurt me anymore, because I won’t let him, but he's doing it to her instead. Is he hurting her to get back at me? I want to just scream at him, I want to make him see what he's done to her. I know he doesn’t care, why should he?

Now that my rant is out the way and I feel a little calmer, I just want to say, he's back. I was sitting in Milltown when I got his bird. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes, was it really him? So I ran off to Dundee to meet him. Now here is a guy who has only ever treated me nice, he has never hurt me in any way, he is so much different to all the other guys I know. He has been away for a while, and I have missed him, and I didn’t realise how much I had missed him, until he came back. And just when I had finally given up on guys’ altogether, there he was, making me laugh and making me see that there are some good guys out there.

I talked to a great friend. I tried to hide how I was feeling, but she could see it. She asked me what was wrong, I denied there being a problem, but she wouldn’t listen. I burst into tears and tried to run away, but she caught me in a tight hug and just held me, letting me cry until I was ready to talk. I eventually calmed down enough to tell her what I was worried about, it felt good to finally let it out, and she knew what to say to stop me from panicking. And she told me to take things one day at a time. She picked me up and gave me the strength to carry on.

I guess I got used to doing things on my own. Ever since I can remember it has always been just me trying to do everything alone. So it's really hard to admit that I need help, but I can’t do this on my own anymore, I need help. So I am asking them for help, and I don’t know if they will or not, but I have to try.

All I have to do is remember how I felt and why I'm doing this, and with my friends by my side to support me, I know I will get through this and I will come out of it so much stronger. I know right now, I can’t see where I'm going, but sooner or later someone is going to cast a light spell over me and everything will become clear. I may lose my way sometimes, but as long as I have the ones I love, standing by my side offering me support, I know I won’t stay lost for long. I just need to learn to go to them before things get this bad. But I always worry about asking for help, and I think I always will.

I have often wondered if some of the things I have done in my life, have been mistakes. I look back over my time here and there are things which looked like mistakes at first, but turned out to be the best decision I made. Even if they didn’t always make sense at first, or I didn’t understand them, once I worked out the reasons, I knew they were the best decisions. But what about the ones that I thought were right, and turned out to be mistakes? I think I made a big mistake. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but looking back now, I'm wondering about my reasons and why I did it. I can’t change what I did, I can’t take it back now, but I need to find a solution to this problem now.

I always go rushing into things, and I just end up hurting myself. But I do it to myself every time and I never learn from my mistakes. Why do I keep messing things up? What am I going to do?

I need to sleep, but how can I sleep when I have a million things going around in my head? I want to crawl into a dark cave and just sleep and forget everything that's in my head. And maybe when I wake up I will have a solution.

This isn’t going to go away, no matter how much I want it to. I have to deal with this and I have to do it soon before I hurt more people. But what do I say to them? How can I make them understand when it doesn’t make any sense? How do I even begin to try to explain to them what's going on?

People say that things will look better after a good night’s sleep, but I don’t see how this time. I really messed everything up. If this was a mistake, it's the worst one I've ever made.

I'm just too tired to be dealing with this right now. I need to sleep.

Well it took a long time, but I finally made it to the trainer and moved up a level. Training is going slow these day, but only because I have been farming a lot.

I feel really tired, I have been working so hard for so long, but have been working even harder since I started this guild, I have hardly slept and I know that's not good, but I keep telling myself that I will sleep when everything is set up properly. I don’t know how long I can go on like this, most of the time it's great, I am so happy to have my own guild, but then the tiredness hits me and I end up getting emotional. I knew before I started that it was going to be hard work getting up and running, I just didn’t know that I would stop sleeping because of it. It's getting to the point where I am so tired that I am almost falling asleep standing up. But I keep pushing myself; I am doing this, not just for me, but for my guild members and for the people who believe in me. I know I should take a break and catch up on some sleep, but I have too much to do. This was my dream and I must make it work, but how far can I push myself before I break? I will keep pushing on and keep trying my hardest and one day I will be able to sit back, relax and watch it all run smoothly. I know I shouldn’t be trying to do this on my own, but it is so hard to ask for help. I can’t keep running to people every time I need help with something, they will end up getting annoyed with me and start to avoid me.

Does everyone feel like this when they first start out? I know things will calm down in time, but for now all I can do is work hard and keep pushing myself a little bit further.

I still haven’t seen my sister. I'm getting more worried about her every day. I need to talk to her; I need to make sure she is OK. That's another reason why I'm not sleeping, because I need to stay awake to see her. I know something is wrong and I need to talk to her about it. I need to make her understand and try to make things better for her. I hope she wakes soon.

Yesterday was a bit of an emotional day. I had a long chat with a good friend. She said some things that I needed to hear, I cried, there are only two people who I will allow to see me cry, the rest of the time I will hold my tears back until I am on my own. But she brought them out of me, made me let go. I told her something which I have never told anyone, about how I feel sometimes and my fears. She pulled me into a huge tight hug and said some things which made me cry even more but at the same time made everything better. She dried my tears and took my fears away.

I did a bit of training, I'm always training or farming these days. I'm almost ready to go and visit with the trainer again. I know it took longer this time, but that's because I was farming a lot.

I'm worried about a friend and I don’t know what to do about it. I think she's about to make a mistake and there's nothing I can do to stop her. I have tried to warn her but if she won’t listen to me, all I can do is stand back and wait. She has to do what she thinks is right, it's her life, she has to be free to make her own decisions. She has to make these mistakes and hopefully she will learn by them. All I can do is be there for her if it all falls apart. I just don’t want to see her get hurt.

Do you ever feel like you're going around in circles? Why are people so intent on ruining other peoples days? What do they get out of it? Do they get some kind of sick pleasure in treating people like that?

Well if you read yesterdays entry you will see what happened last night. Well tonight it was my turn. Let's see where to begin. I received a bird from a friend inviting me for a drink at Dundee Inn; you know I will be staying away from there from now on. So I go to the Inn and meet him and I thought it would be nice to sit with him and relax and have a chat. No such luck. Almost as soon as I walked in the argument started. I didn’t see what happened but from what I heard, an initiate asked for some chants or blessings and they didn’t give him any. So the argument kicked off, they say that we shouldn’t use our powers to help people because they need to learn to fight without them. I don’t agree with this, I became an Enchanter because I wanted to help people, not selfishly keep my spells to myself. What is the point in spending so long hunting for and learning new spells if we’re not going to use them for good. They said that it was causing more harm than good to give chants to people, I don’t see how. And not only did I have the same two from last night, but another member of their guild as well, ganging up on me. I was fighting a losing battle, I know you can’t argue with these people, they are bullies and they will do everything they can to win a fight. In the end I got so upset and had to leave. So I congratulate them, well done for driving another person out of the Inn. They must be feeling really proud of themselves. Am I wrong? Is it evil to want to help people? Should I just ignore all newbie's who ask for my help? I can’t do that because that's not who I am. I like helping people and I don’t see why they were ganging up on me about it. A good friend was there with me for a while, but she doesn’t do too well in crowds and she had to leave.

Anyway I went to ride the cannon, with no success. Three times in a row I crashed into that life monument, and then couldn’t fight for five marcs. So I sat there for a while, trying to calm down, fighting back the angry tears of frustration. I got a bird from another friend saying that she was in Dundee Inn sticking up for me, she must have got there just after I left. I debated for a while if I should go back or not, and in the end I decided that I would, just because H was sticking up for me and I couldn’t let her do it on her own.

Well when I arrived they were in full argument, but not about how evil I am for helping people, but about the game from yesterday. I don’t know what kicked that off again, but I guess they don’t really need a reason to start an argument. This argument went on for ages. Why do they have to be like that? Like there isn’t enough evil in this world already, they have to make people feel worthless. Yeah that's how they made me feel, I started questioning myself. How can I be a good leader when I can’t even defend myself against these bullies? And how can I tell K to walk away from them and not do it myself? Well I will not waste my breath on them in future; they are not worth talking to. They think that they are so much better than me, just because they have been here longer. Does that mean I should look down on any noob who arrives? Just because they're new to the lands, doesn’t mean that I'm better than them, it just means that they may need some help to get sorted. We are all the same, just because they have been here longer than me, it doesn’t give them the right to treat me the way they did. Or G and K for that matter. Why do they feel they have the right to push people out of the Inn? I went there for a quiet drink with a friend, and all I got was them arguing and ganging up on me.

I had a chat with my sister J. I was upset and needed a friend, and she woke up just at the right time. She always has a way of doing that. She talks good sense and always has a way of calming me down. She made me believe in myself again. I wouldn’t have gone to her because I know she has other things on her mind, but there was no one else awake who I trusted. There are only two maybe three people who I trust enough to go to when I need help. And there are only two of them who I will allow to see me cry; with everyone else I hold it back.

I need to talk to my sister A. I've been worried about her, I know she hasn’t been right for a while, but I wasn't sure why. J and me chatted about it and she told me the full story. I had no idea. But now that I know how she's feeling and why, I think I know what to say to her. I have to make her listen, no matter how long it takes I will get through to her. I hate seeing her like this, she deserves to be happy, and I am not going to give up until she is. I just need to wait now until she wakes, I hope it's not too long.

And so it begins. I knew at some point I would have to deal with problems that came up, I just wasn't expecting it so soon. OK it started last night, there were a bunch of us at Dundee Inn, and we all decided to play truth or dare. Now I have always said that this is a kid’s game but it's OK for adults to play it if they are having a few drinks and relaxing, and this is what we were doing. And anyway, it was my idea, there was something I wanted to find out about one of the people in the Inn and I thought that would be the best way to do it. So there we all were playing this game and it was a blast, we were having so much fun, it was great. And then this guy came in and first I thought nothing of it and we carried on playing and having a laugh. But then he started having ago at us, so I said ‘uh oh, it looks like someone has a problem with us having fun’. I then thanked him for sucking all the fun out our game, and left. I know from experience that it is better to walk away from people like that; they are just not worth wasting breath over. So I went to ride the cannon a few times because I was upset and needed to calm down.

Anyway, about a marc or two later I received a bird from one of my guild members saying he needed help. Well when I got there I found two high level officers both having ago at him and G. Now I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but from what I did hear, to me it sounded like they were bullying them. I think it was out of order, just because we wanted to have fun, it is fall fest after all and isn’t that the point of fall fest? I couldn’t be bothered to waste my breath on these two bullies, it's just not worth getting into an argument with them, because they will keep bullying you until you back down. I had a run in with one of them once before, he started an argument with me over how nice I was. I said I was nice to people and he said I wasn't, I remember leaving in tears after trying for a few marcs to defend myself.

So the only thing I could d was to calm K down. He had a right to defend himself and stand up for the people he cares about, but at the same time, I didn’t want to see him getting into trouble over people who are just not worth it. He wouldn’t have won; they would have continued to bully him until something drastic happened and I didn’t want to see him get hurt. So the best thing I could do was try to calm the situation down. Did I do the right thing? K started to apologise to them after he was calm, and I told him not to, I said he had no reason to apologise to them because he didn’t start the fight. And that's what made me angry, how dare they make him feel like that? How dare they make him think that it was all his fault? I've been there before, so I know how he feels, but what can I say to make him understand that he did nothing wrong? These people make me so angry, what gives them the right to come along and pick on two little newbie’s? How dare they bully a member of my guild to the point where he's feeling like that? How dare they have ago at a young girl, to the point where she gets so upset that she has to leave?

Well after everything had calmed down, I talked to some people I know, I explained what had happened and who was involved, and they said they were not surprised; these people have done it before. Yeah I know that's true. But the thing is, there's nothing I can do. I'm not strong enough to argue with them, and I'm not a bully I don’t fight dirty like they do. Two grown men, picking on a young girl, K stepped into defend her and that's when they turned on him, and that is why I was there. K and G are two of the sweetest people in the land and because of that; they are a target to the people who are just out to destroy people’s fun.

I feel guilty for walking away when I did, but I knew trouble was about to kick off and I didn’t want to be involved, I knew what would happen and I wanted to avoid it. I can’t tell them to leave, if they want to defend themselves they have every right to. When I left there were a lot of people there all arguing with him, so I thought K and G would be OK. If they had told me they were on their own I would have gone back sooner. I know G isn’t in my guild, but I have known her from the moment she set foot in the land, and I still feel like I should be looking after her. I know I don’t need to, she has a fantastic leader, who would have been there in an instant, but G will always be my noob, and I will always defend the people I care about.